I surrender

I thought it would be the answer that makes thing clearer. But now, at least for this moment, it make no more sense to me.

My life has been a MESS since 2 months ago.

 i just can't wait to put an end on it.

Has been disappointed so many times with my own expectation.

yes,i failed to keep on to the promise, because i'm so emotion-being.

because the love i can offer is so conditioned.

i can't find any reason to keep it on.

i need to move forward.

you used to say that you don't want to mislead me.

but you never knew that holding back itself is so hurting.

thanks for everything you have done for me, i shall  hope for no more.

I'd surrender everything,

to feel the chance, to live again.

无题

原来无条件去爱一个人是不可能做到的。

说好了不要有期待，所以也不会失望。

我做不到。

在我最难受的时候，你都不在。

我跌倒了又再重新振作，也许我真的不需要你。

可是有一天当我累了，放手了。请纪念我曾经对你的好。

Stop PROCASTINATING your work.

5.54am  彻夜未眠，终于完成了First Draft。

9点钟有个Psychology的Presentation，我现在是一点头绪也没有。三小时，希望可以挽救局势。

你偷走太多光阴了，现在你自食其果。

我觉得在这样下去我真的有一天会暴毙。

Stop PROCASTINATING your work.

问你到底还要为此付出多少代价？

五月天，会苦尽甘来的。

11.20pm  毕业论文最后阶段进行中。因为我自己管理时间不妥当，去不成Gunung Jerai，因此白白损失了RM140, 我真的很恨我自己。这就是花钱买教训。

无论如何，为了不辜负上学期多个日子的心血，为了顺利毕业，我只好这样了。

五月天，会苦尽甘来的。

估计这星期也是必须牺牲睡眠了。我竟然把自己推到这个极限。

Now Or Never, Do it or Die.

至少不要耽误毕业就好。

夜，我和你拼了。





`

Rest.self-examination

1st of may.labour day.it spent me whole day to finish 5 lab reports in a row.productive?no!!!consequence of procrastination! (Supposed to submit by April)

Repeatly listening to At the cross .do self-examination at the same time.feel peace.gonna be a crazy month.preparing my heart.

What is that mean to be at REST? In God's presence=)

To love, and to be loved

I was so happy to see my dad’s Avanza at Tekun girls’ block entrance, waiting to fetch me home for the mid-term break. It has been a week after I met into the car accident, which I still feel the bruise ,swelling and pain in my leg. I have been longing to be home.

Nevertheless , I didn’t expect  a “sit down and relax” week at home, because I’ve made a promise with my mom earlier, i.e  to take care of my 10-year- old cousin brother when they’re away from home. My parents planned a trip to Bangkok for themselves months ago, and  they discussed it again with me after the accident, finally we have came to the decision that they should go on with their plan, since I can still walk and take care of myself, and the little cousin too.

I packed the luggage for dad and mom on Sunday morning. They arranged the traditional Chinese medical doctor to visit me in the house once in a two days. And so they went on for one week of vacation.

You may wonder why I need to take care of my little cousin brother. Xuan, my little cousin has been staying with my family since he was a 5-month-old baby. His dad passed away when he was only 6 years old and so it changed the family’s plan for him to stay with us up to pre-school age only. My young aunt became single parent ever since and so my mom decided to take up the burden to take care of him.

I have never really taken the full responsibility to be the “babysitter”. But after 3 years away from home, I always want to spend some precious time with him. In fact, I used to talk to him rudely and even screamed at him for being rebellious. This time, I think it is a good chance for me to learn to stay harmony with him, and to “educate” him, perhaps.

The day after papa and mama left home, the big brother went for a medical check-up in the hospital. He coughed badly for the past few weeks, and  his body became quite weak.  The diagnosis came out that he has some bacteria in the lung and so he has to stay in the hospital for a few days. It was so gloomy. I talked to the big brother ,almost in tears“ Why must you stay in the hospital? Why now?Why do you leave me alone in home with Xuan?”

“ You always want to be relax and enjoy at home. But now it’s the time, we need your help, can you do it? Take good care of Xuan. Don’t worry about me.”He gave me an affirmation stare. So he admitted himself to the hospital.

I kept to the promise. I woke up early in the morning to send the little cousin to school ( and so I have no choice but to overcome my fear to get on to the motorbike again ). I cooked good meals for him( I will never enter the kitchen when mama is home). And I tried to hide the truth that the big brother staying in hospital when papa phoned home. I don’t want to see they have a miserable trip.

That night, it was almost 11pm and Xuan has fallen asleep, I suddenly felt so lonely. I started missing papa and mama. I was so worried about big brother too. And the injured leg was hurting me too. It was quite ridiculous, as I always think myself tougher than this.

So I opened Proverbs  3 and let God’s word speaks to me.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.”

I spent an hour to meditate on Psalm 3 and I prayed. I remembered when I was a kid, I used to weep when papa and mama are away from home, even the big brothers failed to comfort me. And now, none of them is around .But I’m found by my Shepherd. It’s God himself that comforted me.

I grown up. I need to be independent.

The Lord was not in the wind. The Lord was not in the earthquake. The Lord was not in the fire. But He came in a gentle whisper. [ 1 King 11-13]

It's so easily for us to rely and wanting someone to encourage us rather than heading to God. But deep inside our heart , we already know the answer ,that we need to rely on Jesus rather having people comforting us.

After 3 years of up’s-and-down’s christian’s life in USM, God has never forsaken me.

Looking at Xuan’s peaceful face in his slumber, I suddenly understand. Perhaps I always think that it’s my role to take care of him, but in fact he is the one that keep me accompanied for the whole week. Taking up the responsibility to jaga him kept me so much alive and my mind was so occupied to be emotional.

The next night I decided to read him some bedtime stories. At first I thought it would be quite hard for him to listen to Enid Blyton’s stories (as he is so obsessed with Ipad,Facebook etc even at his age).But he loves them. He urged me to read him Naughty Amelia Jane every night before he goes to bed. I haven’t been so close with him this few years. We shared the same pillow and  we laughed at Amelia Jane.

Xuan can sleep with lights on . And my injured leg  gave me problem to have good sleep at nights, so I laid it on the little stool and stayed up late memorizing the Japanese vocabulary. The whole night I looked at his body turning clockwise in his sleep, and it puts smile on my face.

I’m in loved, so I can love him more.

The next few days my big brother discharged from the ward and the good new is the bacteria in his lung can be cured by medicine. And papa mama also came home safely from the vacation. But it was time for me to leave home again.

Now, I guess I know why papa and  mama never say no to me when I request a work& travel holiday in New Zealand on my own after the graduation. Because my God is there for me.

Cognition of LOVE

#Part 1#
What is about a Sunday morning? Maybe laying on the bed ,enjoying the nice room temperature and sing the "Don't want to do anything "song. But it's not for me. The fact is, I spent an hour under the hot sun, to see a little girl demonstrate how stubborn a human can be.

She kept crying over some simple tasks that i told her to perform, and she can't stop "warning" me not to touch her legs (nor hold them). By doing all this actually hinder her from learning the proper swimming skills. And frankly, she is wasting OUR time. Her mom paid rm40 for THIS hour to see her learning something, but she did not, not for now nor the previous lessons .

I can feel the sunlight burning my skin, on the back of my neck and on my shoulder. I feel so helpless to handle this "screaming baby". How I hope to end this lesson as fast as possible, at least to save my burning skin.

I just cannot tahan with myself. If I would have more wisdom and love for her, or some sense of humour would help,maybe?

Well, this is not merely an hour of doing "part-time job", after all it is more like a life time lesson. The mom paid it with cash, and for me, the sunburnt skin paid it off.

Do you see the stubborn-ness of yours stopping you from achieving the goal that set ahead for you? Do you see the price that paid  to correct you, and to see chance in you?

I was so touched to see the way of her sister loving her. she thinks of all kind of  methods to guide her, and to encourage her. It is so gentle and so soft, unlike the mind of a human that hope to finish the lesson earlier and end this crazy moment. Well, it is always nice to have a sister.

I really wish that she can remember the moment that the "umi" and the sister loving her, and one day when she grow up, knowing the fact love brought her up and shape her life.

I hope for the best to see changes in this little girl, and in me, for the cognition of love.

P.S: I seldom talk about my part-time job.it's nothing to boast about the money, but knowing that God always come into picture make it all different. =)

#Part 2#

For the whole day I felt so kesian for myself, for the outcome of the efforts which is unseen,or unappreciated.Well, I know it best, the brain start processing things in a  pessimistic way when the heart thought that it's getting tired. ( Was rushing for 3 swimming lessons in a row since 4 pm, trying hard to make it all on time but the parents who have no sense of punctuality almost broke the chain of the tight schedule down, and I must make sure everything of a birthday celebration is alright beforehand, kinda crazy but yet this make me feel so much alive!!!)

I can't even enjoy the food when I finally settle down. The happiness of the people around didn't fill me up, i was so exhausted until I finally reach my room and read this.

12:01am

SzeJie Ngoo

make sure your sun burn recover before swimathon!

eh really black lo

did u see mirror?

Ah Jie you are so lovely (and farney enough!) and you made my day!

You are the one that cares for me and you have been the support  for the days along. I just could not express the gratitude deep in my heart.

And this is the thought for the beginning of this journey.

I always think that leaving the place and people that I'm familiar with is the best way to see things better,that's why i want to go New Zealand. But yet I'm grateful with another decision that i've made ,that is to be really serving the CG. It makes me feel so much alive.Though it might be weary at times,but i would definitely miss it a lot when I leave Malaysia. I'm thankful that Sze Jie was chosen as the ACGL, she is the one who really care, indeed, I thank God for her presence in this season of my life.


And last but not least, You are the reason that  I serve.

I love you, GCB the burgerss!!!!