五月天，会苦尽甘来的。

11.20pm  毕业论文最后阶段进行中。因为我自己管理时间不妥当，去不成Gunung Jerai，因此白白损失了RM140, 我真的很恨我自己。这就是花钱买教训。

无论如何，为了不辜负上学期多个日子的心血，为了顺利毕业，我只好这样了。

五月天，会苦尽甘来的。

估计这星期也是必须牺牲睡眠了。我竟然把自己推到这个极限。

Now Or Never, Do it or Die.

至少不要耽误毕业就好。

夜，我和你拼了。





`

Rest.self-examination

1st of may.labour day.it spent me whole day to finish 5 lab reports in a row.productive?no!!!consequence of procrastination! (Supposed to submit by April)

Repeatly listening to At the cross .do self-examination at the same time.feel peace.gonna be a crazy month.preparing my heart.

What is that mean to be at REST? In God's presence=)

To love, and to be loved

I was so happy to see my dad’s Avanza at Tekun girls’ block entrance, waiting to fetch me home for the mid-term break. It has been a week after I met into the car accident, which I still feel the bruise ,swelling and pain in my leg. I have been longing to be home.

Nevertheless , I didn’t expect  a “sit down and relax” week at home, because I’ve made a promise with my mom earlier, i.e  to take care of my 10-year- old cousin brother when they’re away from home. My parents planned a trip to Bangkok for themselves months ago, and  they discussed it again with me after the accident, finally we have came to the decision that they should go on with their plan, since I can still walk and take care of myself, and the little cousin too.

I packed the luggage for dad and mom on Sunday morning. They arranged the traditional Chinese medical doctor to visit me in the house once in a two days. And so they went on for one week of vacation.

You may wonder why I need to take care of my little cousin brother. Xuan, my little cousin has been staying with my family since he was a 5-month-old baby. His dad passed away when he was only 6 years old and so it changed the family’s plan for him to stay with us up to pre-school age only. My young aunt became single parent ever since and so my mom decided to take up the burden to take care of him.

I have never really taken the full responsibility to be the “babysitter”. But after 3 years away from home, I always want to spend some precious time with him. In fact, I used to talk to him rudely and even screamed at him for being rebellious. This time, I think it is a good chance for me to learn to stay harmony with him, and to “educate” him, perhaps.

The day after papa and mama left home, the big brother went for a medical check-up in the hospital. He coughed badly for the past few weeks, and  his body became quite weak.  The diagnosis came out that he has some bacteria in the lung and so he has to stay in the hospital for a few days. It was so gloomy. I talked to the big brother ,almost in tears“ Why must you stay in the hospital? Why now?Why do you leave me alone in home with Xuan?”

“ You always want to be relax and enjoy at home. But now it’s the time, we need your help, can you do it? Take good care of Xuan. Don’t worry about me.”He gave me an affirmation stare. So he admitted himself to the hospital.

I kept to the promise. I woke up early in the morning to send the little cousin to school ( and so I have no choice but to overcome my fear to get on to the motorbike again ). I cooked good meals for him( I will never enter the kitchen when mama is home). And I tried to hide the truth that the big brother staying in hospital when papa phoned home. I don’t want to see they have a miserable trip.

That night, it was almost 11pm and Xuan has fallen asleep, I suddenly felt so lonely. I started missing papa and mama. I was so worried about big brother too. And the injured leg was hurting me too. It was quite ridiculous, as I always think myself tougher than this.

So I opened Proverbs  3 and let God’s word speaks to me.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.”

I spent an hour to meditate on Psalm 3 and I prayed. I remembered when I was a kid, I used to weep when papa and mama are away from home, even the big brothers failed to comfort me. And now, none of them is around .But I’m found by my Shepherd. It’s God himself that comforted me.

I grown up. I need to be independent.

The Lord was not in the wind. The Lord was not in the earthquake. The Lord was not in the fire. But He came in a gentle whisper. [ 1 King 11-13]

It's so easily for us to rely and wanting someone to encourage us rather than heading to God. But deep inside our heart , we already know the answer ,that we need to rely on Jesus rather having people comforting us.

After 3 years of up’s-and-down’s christian’s life in USM, God has never forsaken me.

Looking at Xuan’s peaceful face in his slumber, I suddenly understand. Perhaps I always think that it’s my role to take care of him, but in fact he is the one that keep me accompanied for the whole week. Taking up the responsibility to jaga him kept me so much alive and my mind was so occupied to be emotional.

The next night I decided to read him some bedtime stories. At first I thought it would be quite hard for him to listen to Enid Blyton’s stories (as he is so obsessed with Ipad,Facebook etc even at his age).But he loves them. He urged me to read him Naughty Amelia Jane every night before he goes to bed. I haven’t been so close with him this few years. We shared the same pillow and  we laughed at Amelia Jane.

Xuan can sleep with lights on . And my injured leg  gave me problem to have good sleep at nights, so I laid it on the little stool and stayed up late memorizing the Japanese vocabulary. The whole night I looked at his body turning clockwise in his sleep, and it puts smile on my face.

I’m in loved, so I can love him more.

The next few days my big brother discharged from the ward and the good new is the bacteria in his lung can be cured by medicine. And papa mama also came home safely from the vacation. But it was time for me to leave home again.

Now, I guess I know why papa and  mama never say no to me when I request a work& travel holiday in New Zealand on my own after the graduation. Because my God is there for me.

Cognition of LOVE

#Part 1#
What is about a Sunday morning? Maybe laying on the bed ,enjoying the nice room temperature and sing the "Don't want to do anything "song. But it's not for me. The fact is, I spent an hour under the hot sun, to see a little girl demonstrate how stubborn a human can be.

She kept crying over some simple tasks that i told her to perform, and she can't stop "warning" me not to touch her legs (nor hold them). By doing all this actually hinder her from learning the proper swimming skills. And frankly, she is wasting OUR time. Her mom paid rm40 for THIS hour to see her learning something, but she did not, not for now nor the previous lessons .

I can feel the sunlight burning my skin, on the back of my neck and on my shoulder. I feel so helpless to handle this "screaming baby". How I hope to end this lesson as fast as possible, at least to save my burning skin.

I just cannot tahan with myself. If I would have more wisdom and love for her, or some sense of humour would help,maybe?

Well, this is not merely an hour of doing "part-time job", after all it is more like a life time lesson. The mom paid it with cash, and for me, the sunburnt skin paid it off.

Do you see the stubborn-ness of yours stopping you from achieving the goal that set ahead for you? Do you see the price that paid  to correct you, and to see chance in you?

I was so touched to see the way of her sister loving her. she thinks of all kind of  methods to guide her, and to encourage her. It is so gentle and so soft, unlike the mind of a human that hope to finish the lesson earlier and end this crazy moment. Well, it is always nice to have a sister.

I really wish that she can remember the moment that the "umi" and the sister loving her, and one day when she grow up, knowing the fact love brought her up and shape her life.

I hope for the best to see changes in this little girl, and in me, for the cognition of love.

P.S: I seldom talk about my part-time job.it's nothing to boast about the money, but knowing that God always come into picture make it all different. =)

#Part 2#

For the whole day I felt so kesian for myself, for the outcome of the efforts which is unseen,or unappreciated.Well, I know it best, the brain start processing things in a  pessimistic way when the heart thought that it's getting tired. ( Was rushing for 3 swimming lessons in a row since 4 pm, trying hard to make it all on time but the parents who have no sense of punctuality almost broke the chain of the tight schedule down, and I must make sure everything of a birthday celebration is alright beforehand, kinda crazy but yet this make me feel so much alive!!!)

I can't even enjoy the food when I finally settle down. The happiness of the people around didn't fill me up, i was so exhausted until I finally reach my room and read this.

12:01am

SzeJie Ngoo

make sure your sun burn recover before swimathon!

eh really black lo

did u see mirror?

Ah Jie you are so lovely (and farney enough!) and you made my day!

You are the one that cares for me and you have been the support  for the days along. I just could not express the gratitude deep in my heart.

And this is the thought for the beginning of this journey.

I always think that leaving the place and people that I'm familiar with is the best way to see things better,that's why i want to go New Zealand. But yet I'm grateful with another decision that i've made ,that is to be really serving the CG. It makes me feel so much alive.Though it might be weary at times,but i would definitely miss it a lot when I leave Malaysia. I'm thankful that Sze Jie was chosen as the ACGL, she is the one who really care, indeed, I thank God for her presence in this season of my life.


And last but not least, You are the reason that  I serve.

I love you, GCB the burgerss!!!!

没有比你们更爱我的人

今日名言：我找不到比我爸和我哥更爱我的男生，所以我认为毕业以前我是不会想谈恋爱了。

为何口出此言呢？今天再次和朋友提起我的NZ打工旅行，全靠那“怕我吞掉家产”的爸爸在金钱上的支持。他总是说，自从我申请出国成功后我的一个微笑足以让他“毛骨悚然”，因为准是开口要$$。

我想说，人有梦想是好的。而如果你的梦想就是可以去流浪，而你的家人又在精神上和金钱上支持你，你是很受祝福的孩子。毕竟，多美丽的梦，还是要资金去编织的。

我很感恩我有这么个陪女儿一起疯的老爸。还没毕业出来正式找工作养家就算了（虽然我总是口口声声辩护自己说我有很努力教游泳来赚外快），还要和家里讨好几K令吉去旅行，没错，去打工旅行（再次答应我再那里会好好工作省钱）。他看似无可奈何为何生出这样的女儿，可是那天他还是准时到银行过账给我，连信用卡也借我用。

“原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由，也会怕有一天会跌倒..."这首歌就是我目前的主打歌，我已经为我离开大学后的生活策划好了。我太害怕再次为我的人生作重大决定，我不想选择一份我不爱的工作，我不甘屈服于现实世界的安排，所以我奔向了心中的呼唤，一逃就逃到纽西兰去。

大学最后一个学期：珍惜身边的人和事。这也让我毫不犹疑放弃了好几次赚旅费的机会。这点我是毫无怨言的，不过看来我和一开始原定的每月1K的目标越离越远了。

我不应该忧虑太多的，能赚回多少就多少。如果拼命赚钱错过了美好的大学回忆那才是钱找不会来的。这个学期的节目还真是多姿多彩的，大家都嗅到的那个把握大学就快结束而争取时间在一起的味道。

我祈祷，爸爸和哥哥和妈妈一定都要过得好好的，因为我将要离开家半年，我要他们收到我寄回家的明信片时开心的表情，然后等我回来时兑现我的诺言，我会好好找一份工作养活自己的，然后还要去很多很多地方继续追寻我的梦。

重游姓周桥。元宵夜。思远方。

我一直很庆幸我今晚决定不带单反相机出门去元宵节开放门户的决定，直到我们从旧关仔角回家经过姓氏桥的路上，我看见了那两排红彤彤的灯笼，我后悔了...

说到开放门户嘛，是有免费美食啦，不过全场是没什么亮点，好像少了什么似的，（还让我苦等了整晚都看不成高桩舞狮表演。）不过还好是和两位LG的好姐妹难得在这学期忙得不可开交之前的出游，所以算是大学最后一学期一个不错的回忆。

悦看我在车上那样兴奋的喊美，竟然也毅然的要调回头去看看。她还坚持要到姓周桥去走走（虽然我很肯定的告诉她，红彤彤灯笼不在那里）。我们漫步走进这海上人家最出名的一条桥，奇怪的，我心里竟然莫名的踏实。夜晚的姓周桥，竟然和白天被前来看壁画而挤个水泄不通的情景很不一样，她也在安静地休息在凉风习习的夜。很庆幸，这元宵节的夜，也不见得有很多游客的踪迹，只有居民三三两两的坐在门前相聚聊天，或坐在家门前乘凉。节庆的灯饰在屋檐里闪呀闪的，却少了刚才在人群里的喧哗，只有邻座桥传来的烟花轰轰声。

我们都在想，找一个晚上坐在桥架边吹吹海风聊天、听海那该有多好呢。

我们来到了上次家人来旅行时拍全家幅的那个位置，我想起了那天带着大家逛了半天，结果大家还是最喜欢这里。然后，我还回忆起大一的时候，和悦结伴搭公车去参观娘惹家，过后还顺便来到的这里走走，还受到《初恋红豆冰》拍摄场面住户的安娣友善的招待，邀请我们走进她屋里去参观。霎那间，很多美好的回忆涌在脑海，海风打在我脸上，好舒服。多么美好的夜晚。

后来，Suzanna发现了一件内部装潢得典雅的房子，原来是民宿。我灵机一动，小学的童鞋们不是在办旅行吗？直接带他们住在这里多好啊！可以体验当一晚海上人家的滋味，而且还有BBQ配套之类的。

然后我们就摸到了两排整齐的红彤彤灯笼那里，两排整齐规划的板屋一路延伸到海面-姓李桥，那烟花绽放的那一刻，配上这个画面，实在是美极了，只可惜相机没有随行。我一直很努力地把这个画面刻画在我脑海里。也许我错过了把这一幕以照片记录起来，不过我已经把她“拍”在记忆里。

我本来都已经打算好了，明年的农历新年会在NZ过，只是我从来无法预知，我的乡愁有多深，第一次离开家的春节会是怎样。想到这里，我再次提醒自己，把握大学仅剩的时光，抓住它的尾巴，去收集这一生都难忘的回忆。

很感恩，本来很懊恼这学期活动这么多，到时必须常取消游泳班，旅费到底要怎么赚回来。现在，我随遇而安，因为有些事错过了就不会重来。我会好好用我的600D去记载我的大学生活和朋友。

望着那又大又圆的月亮，心里不再惦记那放不下的人和事，而是我的远方。2013，我期待着。

我不要恋爱，我要去旅行

喜不喜欢，合不合适，能不能在一起，是三件不同的事。~转载自《实用心理学》

三句话，却是那么的精准。我又想发表一些言论了。

当谈恋爱已经不是小时候想的那么简单...

没错，新年快到了，又是被拷问“目前Status”的时候。我现在已经可以想象他们脑海中有预先答案的画面，然后听见从我口中说出“没有”后那个表情，然后念念几句“steoreotype”的对白。（其实，还没到家，那天就已经被Ore母亲念了一下，“都已经三年了，条件不要放这么高，不然就更难找了。”）

其实如果我坦白说，到现在没有人追求过我/跟我表白呢？你还会怎么说呢？

我不知道我是否准备好应付这一连串的“唇枪舌战”。没事，顶多也只是那几天而已，最重要是我自己怎么看。不过，比起一年前的我，我比较不着急了。关于恋爱这回事，三年生活在外，我也慢慢开始懂了。

不过，我相信，在我遇到“真爱”前，所有经历过的事都是一种磨练。我始终认为，在我生命中，狠狠被敲醒一次才是快速成长的时候。说到这里，这学期我有三个小故事。

学期初的时候，T跟我“表白”了，我带着质疑，可是也抱着希望，直到最后我验证了这是他跟我开的玩笑。我心痛，不只是因为伤害我，而是再一次意识到，当一个女孩开始抱着期待的时候，就是开始准备要带着失望离开的时候。“没有扎根的感情”，能不能潇洒离开，乃是开始把目光放到在乎你/你在乎的人的身上。我还有神，还有PKA的弟兄姐妹，为何我要在房里痛哭自怜？现在又不是什么大不了！

                 

我不会忘记，那天那个勇敢的自己。我和他那个不愉快对话的下午。我制止着我的眼泪。“不要留在室内，出去透透气，和大家在一起”我听见我心里的声音。就在那一刹那，我下定决心，穿球鞋，出门，去草场打Captain Ball。这是一个明智的决定，离开了泳池，绿茵是另一个小天地。我还认识了好几位Junior新朋友。（按：很遗憾，后来我都没有机会去打球了，唉）过后晚上还和朋友去提灯笼。两个星期--我给自己的期限，走出这个阴影。我也做到了。不过宽恕T确实好几个月后的事。我总是在这件事后故意避开和他接触的眼神。看到他，我心里隐隐作痛。逃避，直到我意识到我也需要解脱。那个在湖边痛哭、亲近主的午后，我和他在泳池遇上了，我正视了他的眼神，我的嘴角微微上扬，算不上微笑，不过这位弟兄，我决定要宽恕你。其实仔细想想，他太嫩了，思维不够成熟。那是...感觉又在作怪咯。我很感激他在Lifesaving Competition期间最压抑的时候他对我的好，不断逗我笑。可是事实是我想太多了，所以才会陷入这个“无意的玩笑”，无法自拔。差点忘了，当你把男生身上那六块腹肌诠释为“安全感”，你就注定大错特错。

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

和这位弟兄熟起来，因为几次不经意的“邂逅”，分享不为人知的故事，成为一种“乐趣”。渐渐地，我忘了这个“好朋友不是无所不谈，而是彼此的默契”不变的道理。话多就是好朋友--这是我犯的第二个错误。不过，弟兄，我感恩在这个缺乏榜样的环境，你有尽你的努力，扮演好你的角色，和你合作很愉快。失望，当我意识原来你不是我脆弱时的答案，原来到最后我自己还是必须回到天父的怀抱。当我意识现在是要为感觉而“冲动冒然”交待的年岁，当我意识我也要压制我自己跨过那条线的时候。没错，是你设下那道无形的线保护了我。“当你无法给对方承诺时，盲目跟从情绪的推动是不负责任的事。”这是你教会我的。其实，在我想通之时，就是当别人都受到你的手信而没有我的份的时候。原来我没有那么重要。我把我最爱的巧克力送你，而你竟然没有顾念我。原来心意就是那么一回事。没事，不抱”额外“期望的时候，你还是一位好弟兄。我们还有更重要的任务要一起完成，只希望你会一直都在。

那天和SJ散步，聊到我们PKA弟兄榜样越来越少的可悲现象（感谢主，第一年生终于崛起了几位比较可靠的新生代）。还聊到我们这Batch的姐妹几乎都是单身的“怪现象”。说到这个，我要强调她们可都不是“剩女”哦。她们个个都很有特色，是有素质的女性。坦白说，我很遗憾，如果不是救生的事儿把握的大学生活弄得那么不空闲，我多希望我从大一就和她们熟络起来。（虽然语言和背景是我认为的Barrier）。话说回来，从她们身上也许我可以看见主的Big picture？看啊，我的姐妹们也是耐心等候啊！当没有弟兄带领我们的时候，姐妹们是多么刚强。对我而言，我们这Batch，根本就是Girl's power！

好难得这张照片集合了女侠们，却多了一位。。。？哈哈

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

从没想过Study Week是我这学期最大的难关。我整个学期都漫不经心”无心向学",就是我认定Study Week我会发奋图强。偏偏我算漏了一个Bronze Med 2nd Test。这位男孩，让我把心思和情绪都“孤注一掷”在他身上，（过后我还一度疑惑我对他的感觉，我的天！！！）当一切结束以后我决要念书时，我才发现我犯上了“Severe Withdrawal Sydrome"，我最害怕这种状况发生在我身上，就是当一种我习惯的生活结束了，大家都说再见的时候，只有我停在原地无法前进。这种时刻，仿佛所有对前方的希望都被抽空，只想回到过去熟悉的人和事。

2号...3号...考试一天一天逼近了，我的魂魄还是回不来，对着笔记一整天思绪却魂游四海。看见室友比平常更努力我更着急了，在这样下去我真的会Fail掉KFT 331和KTT313的！！！开什么玩笑？这个时候我还拿自己大学最后一年来冒险？？？我可能会留级重考的，到时谁可怜我啊？2013新一年就那么没有方向感，我真是受不了！！！

通常这种非常时刻你想到家人就对了（这说明你的人生还是有依靠的）。是的，我哭着打电话回家了。我哭述我的恐惧（重考的危机）还有无法专心念书的压迫感。都说了家是你的避风港，妈妈一接到我的就说我是傻孩子，不断安抚我的情绪。大哥更滑稽，他建议我带小抄进考场作弊，弄得我破涕为笑。第二天，妈妈灵机一动，打电话过来吩咐我去买半打鸡精，起初我也是敷衍她，后来我决定照她的话去做。我承认我不”迷信“补品的。可是这鸡精在我身上发生奇妙的”化学反应“，我的集中力回来了！我看见希望了！！！不过1月7号到18号这段日子也很难熬，尤其是化学三年的科也真的不容易念。我知道这是一个磨练的过程，我也为自己再次勇敢面对感到骄傲。不过我也再次意识到一个事实：No one is coming。生命中的决定、难题，虽然家人可以支持你，鼓励你，可是最终还是你一个人去面对。我为孤单作战落泪。通常这种时候就总是觉得我被上帝遗忘了。不过如果你问我What is so good about 2013? 我会回答，意识到无法回到过去，意识到No one is coming，意识到身边没有依靠，意识到你必须去面对就是祂介入我的生命的时刻。我还是那么顽强地爱着祂、爱着生命！

不要再胡乱作决定，让自己后悔的决定。因为你再也承受不了为你当初错误决定来负责的痛苦。我再也不想为了应付考试背书，这样我和其他没有理想混日子的大学生有何分别？

不要再被你的感觉冲昏了头。

我想把这番话送给2013的我，“年轻时不能光迷恋于爱情。趁着年轻，多出去走走看看。读万卷书，步入行万里路，行万里路，不如阅人无数。”

与其默默等待，我必须先去实现我的梦想，没错，心里那条”忐忑不安“的虫，我要回应它的呼唤：去旅行。这一次，我希望我有骨气，有背负。一定要去争取NZ打工旅行的机会。