Fine, i've to admit that i always take it for granted for this stupid subject. and i thank God that i have blessed with a 'C+' and a 'C' for the 1st and 2nd level. Alright, passing a subject without a need to re-sit for the paper is more than good enough for me, imagine i didn't really study it for the whole semester but only some last-minutes effort to make it a PASS,and a GPA of 3.45(the highest for last 4 semesters).i was contented.
But now, i really have no idea what to do with my study, it's like "a thorn in my flesh" to have that stupid subject in my exam list everytime.But instead of feeling more anxious, I'm just STEADY that i couldn't understand. Perhaps i really don't care about it anymore, the gred and everything, since my 2nd year.
i couldn't stop asking myself these questions"what am i going to do in future with all this NON-DIGESTIVEABLE stupid laws, formulas and derivation....?" but i never get the answer for that.
i must be crazy when i decided to take 20 units for this semester, haha,Maximalism. i'm not sure whether i can handle them, in my golden 10++ days for study week .
i knew that i don't want to miss anything in my final year, that's why i add-in Japanese second level, Forensics and Final Year Project in the list. So far, lifesaving coaching, swimming clinic coaching, part-time coaching and cell group leadership-ing didn't screw me up yet, but only STUDY punya pasal !!!
i cannot concentrate in the lecture, i didn't baca buku.i ran away from them, what i did everyday after i drag my exhausted body back in the room was sticking to the facebook, and "fellowship " with PKA-ians and pool people. i know that actually i can ,and i should squeeze time for my study,but i didn't. Busy-ness have somehow twisted me,i have more desire to relax,that i dont need to think about the complicated formulas.
and i gained weight, i know that, because of STRESS. i'm totally out of control of calories intake.
just now my roommate complaint about her poor time management to me. i laughed at myself, and i asked her. you? poor time management? look at me, i supposed to sacrifire my sleeping time and chatting time and stop wasting my time if i dont want to see an '8' today.
well,i'm just way more than greedy. i thought i could have it all, as always. it's so RESTLESS.i couln't stop and think for the next steps since i came back form mid-term break, i just blindly pushed by the flow, the endless workload stream.
just now i went to a philosophy meet, which i found myself totally lost with the question " what am i doing here?". this is the last straw for the peak seasons of the year.i guess i'm broken down, brain cannot think critically and have least desire for words. yes, i'm upset that i actually have 'difficulty' with reading.
i "cried" at the buddy, without tears though.in fact, i hope that i can cry out, in the midst of heavy rain,cry out all my pain and suffer. but i didnt really burst into tears for this long while. i appreciate the friendship, which brought me back to God again. wherever i need to rest, i should look up to God, but not The One that i used to wait for. i'm preparing mysef to be The One, that God want to mould me into. i know, this time would be the best timing, revival of my soul. i would be grateful for this.
it's December. Consuming fire, fan into flame.
No comments:
Post a Comment